Explanatus El Bloggitus! The Why

I’ve suffered for now decades with an anxiety disorder. I say suffer, but what I should really say is I’ve become absolutely terrified of losing control. I also have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Obviously, my brain is like riding a rollercoaster after eating a giant bag of Doritos and then puking it all up and trying to hide the evidence even though at the end of the ride there is a photo documenting how much the other participants on the roller coaster appreciated my vomit. What can I say, I make crazy look good. and orange. (This is based off a true story, though not a roller coaster, it was my dad’s truck.)

*no people actually got hit with vomit, this time.

I worry about the silliest of things, like how to use a wheat grinder. What’s wrong with wheat grinding you ask? It seems like a fairly innocent appliance. Now that I think about it I don’t think it’s the wheat grinder’s fault. I think it’s what came with the wheat grinder… the expectation that I would grind my own wheat to make my bread. What would come after that experience? I might start bathing in organic turpentine? Make my children’s clothing out sackcloth? Which I got from the garden where the purple carrots grow?

I owned one (a wheat grinder, that is) for 10 years before I figured out how to use it because I was afraid of it. As I write all this out I admit that I may be a bit overdramatic about it. I know it sounds weird to be afraid of a wheat grinder. I was worried I would turn into my mother-in-law. Don’t get me wrong, I love the woman. She made the most wonderful person in my life, Mike. She has always been so thoughtful and blesses others with kindness and love. Even when they (me) don’t deserve it. She’s the one who gifted it to me with such pride, oblivious to the fact that we are 2 different breeds of cat. Scratch that. Haha! Cat-pun! She’s a house cat, and I am a wild free mermaid-unicorn-dragon. One of these things is not like the other. And this Mer-uni-dragon is TERRIFIED of house cats. 

My mother-in-law is to be commended. She single-handedly raised 4 AMAZING people. One is my husband, another is my best friend. The other two constantly tease me and make me laugh. This family owns my heart. I am just not the type of person you would consider to be cheap. My MIL is. The thought of ending up trapped in a never-ending cycle of frugality honestly freaked me out. I guess in some weird way it is attached to my self-worth, that if I turned into one of those women whose mattress is suspended upon their food storage, I would never see glitter again.

Now, I know this sounds utterly ridiculous, but I spent 10 freakin’ years toting this wheat grinder around. I’d hide it up in the corner of the pantry that I don’t use often, so as to not view my disgrace as often. One of my very close friends was talking to me about 6 months ago about grinding wheat and how it helps her with managing her budget… yet another area I struggle with. At the time I was working on my own budget and thought that I should give it a try. I sheepishly asked if she would show me how to use my own wheat grinder so I knew I wouldn’t fail, or be grounded… PUNS! After some well-deserved teasing she pulled it out of the box, removed the plastic, and plugged it in. I was shocked at the simplicity of it. How does one just do that?

I feel that likewise we fall into a trap of the wheat grinder in our own minds. When faced with something that feels so completely out of our wheelhouse, we fear the unknown factor of it. Instead of hiding and being fearful we should face that wheat grinder and make it our B****. Instead of fearing a stereotype, I needed to find out what I wanted regardless of how it made me look. So what if you like making clothes out of sackcloth, or if purple carrots tickle your fancy? If you want to be something, or do someone, DO IT! Obviously, I try to do Mike daily, much to his chagrin and annoyance.

We were designed by a creator that loves us and enjoys the unique way we see the world around us. It means taking a risk with a silly story about a wheat grinder that illustrates how we worry about the small stuff that distracts us from owning our shortcomings. Own what makes you weak, or weird, or funky. Ask for help when you need it, and believe that you have Jesus on your side.